vanish from me

I want you out of my mind

I wish there was a brightly lit, scarlet red exit sign within my brain that I could throw you into

A door where you will vanish and be plunged into darkness

Left feeling empty, powerless, frail, and used

The same way you made me feel on that humid summer day

The day you stroked my body like it was your own

Whispered sweet nothings in my ear simply to satisfy your own carnal desires

And tried to become one with my body without so much of a nod of approval from me

Then that horrid mucus-like goo drenched my backside

And as it soaked into the pores of my skin, the feeling of absolute dread and defeat soaked into my mind as well

In my dreams I am still refusing you

And in my mind I have remained cornered in that dark room with no one around but you to hear my feeble “no”s

And you have never left my mind since then

For somewhere inside of me, there is a part of you still coursing through my bloodstream

From my heart where I feel yours beating

To my lips where yours have remained firmly planted

To my ears where I hear your careless whispers

To my eyes where the image of your knowing smirk has been branded

And to my brain where the memories of that day have spiraled into a delightful catastrophe

With you at the center of it all

But I will not let you overtake my brain the way you overtook my body

For there are still vast fields of green and yellow within my mind that have yet to be weathered

And I will continue to shower them with love

So that one day my body will belong to me again

And eventually, your petty storm clouds and tumultuous cyclones will have been washed away

Eternally cleansed from my mind and body

Along with the marks of You

Incendiary Eyes (pt 2)

I was burning

Yet my flesh was unblemished

No stinging or pain or suffering

Because this burning began in my heart and spread to my mind

It began with my reflection

I scowled at those ruddy, tear-stained cheeks

That nose that’s too large and face that’s too long

And finally I stared into those shining cobalt blue eyes

And a subtle whisper of a voice spoke to me and said

“You could light a fire with those eyes”

And I began to burn

I burned with excitement and determination and strength

Rebirth had begun

I burned for a very long time

Burned away the unsightly parts of me

And those parts turned to ashes and were whisked away

Taken by the wind of the past

Replaced with the flesh of the future

Then the burning ceased

Slowly, a little flame took root within my body

I have tended this flame with great care and patience ever since

And no one will put it out

Because I have learned that incendiary eyes

Deserve an incendiary soul

And I wish to set the world ablaze

Incendiary Eyes (pt 1)

You could light a fire with those eyes

They pierce through me, knowingly

Igniting a spark within me

A small, delicate little flame

Just a beginning

Yet even in the beginning, the world will try to snuff it out

Because even those with small sparks are powerful

Intimidating

Threatening

This is my spark and it belongs to no one but me

My little fire may dim at times as the storms and wind beat it down

But after every storm it’s embers still burn brightly

And I know that my spark will never be quenched

But fires must be tended to

So I tend to my little flame and will it to grow brighter

With kindling and tinder and firewood

Until it glows and swells with power and passion

I’ve been set ablaze

In my heart and in my mind

From flesh to ashes

Embers

To an

Inferno

Not Enough

You raised me to believe that I can do anything that I put my mind to

That I am strong and you will always support me and believe in me

And then you told me I can’t

That I am not enough and I won’t make it

And all at once, the same people who breathed life into me had knocked it out of me

They took the breath from my lungs, my fingers went numb, and tears rolled down my cheeks

The pit in my stomach still remains and I have lost my appetite for life

And this makes me wonder

How do I believe in myself

When no one else does?

Always

She told me she’d always be there for me

But then always became

Mostly

Sometimes

Barely

Never

Then she multiplied

And I was left by many shes

Ephemeral people

Leaving their mark on my heart

Only to walk away

How can I distinguish between the ephemeral and infinitesimal?

They both wear the same mask

Speak the same language

And leave the same mark

Yet their love is conditional

I fear that what I have now is fleeting

That these people will all walk away

Leaving their mark on my heart

And that I will crawl despairingly back into that dark cave

Waiting for someone to love me again

Only for them to walk away

Leaving the infinitesimal

In search of

The ephemeral

Better

I don’t like to be alone

I don’t want to wait for better only for better to never come

The thought of waiting year after year until the better arrives sickens me

I’m better than that

At least I hope that I am

It’s when I’m alone that the thoughts consume me

Or when I’m surrounded by people but all I see is the ceiling staring down at me from above

Slowly caving in

Crushing me with its stucco points like a thousand blades piercing my smooth skin until it bleeds

And then scars

And then I wait for the scars to disappear

The same way that I wait for the better to come

But nothing ever changes

I accept that I am wholeheartedly empty at times

I wish I liked being alone

I wish that I was better than the me that I am now

But right now I’m not and I won’t be better for awhile

So I wait

Year after achingly long year

Until the better hits me completely

Even though I know that it never will

And that’s okay

Because nothing will ever be

Completely

Entirely

Better

Full Disclosure

I wish I could tell you the truth

And I know when you look at me you can see that I’m holding back

You’re already broken and

I stay silent because I know the truth would completely shatter you

I wish you left him

I wish you were different

I want to escape and never see you again

I can feel my shoulders relax and my jaw go slack as I write the truth

The truth that you will never know

With every passing day, I see your hurt showing more as you realize that I’m slipping away

It hurts to look at you, mom

But I’m tired of picking up the slack

I don’t want your excuses

I don’t want to pity you anymore

I want to be able to live in a place where I don’t feel suffocated

I want to get away

When I’m here I’m aware of the fact that I’m inching closer to death

And being here makes me wish those inches were miles

Because maybe then I’d die quicker and I wouldn’t have to be here with you anymore

I wish you the best but I don’t want to be apart of whatever this is

If this what a family is supposed to be then I don’t want it

And truthfully,

I think I’m better off without it

Eternal Radiance

The world makes me tremble and quake

But not always because of its horrors and atrocities

These days it’s because of the joy that I see around me and feel within me

I haven’t felt this sensation of acceptance, love, and joy since I was a child

My body would tremble and shake as I forced my choked sobs down into the deepest, darkest pit of my stomach

I’d look at myself and see a faceless and worthless scrap of a human wilting before me

She’d painstakingly look in the mirror and ask herself why she isn’t worthy

Why she can’t be loved and accepted

Why she can’t find joy anymore

And she’d wonder if the sun would ever rise again?

There’s always been an eternal sunshine deep within me

And now the sun is finally rising

And I am more radiant than ever before

I can feel my warmth spreading to those around me and my beams of light are only growing stronger

I have met people with kind smiles and genuine souls

I had almost forgotten that people like this exist

I tremble and quake because I hope that the sun never sets again

I hope the smiles and laughter never fade

And I am begging the world to never let me return to that dark void of nothingness

I have found my worth and I never want to lose it again

For I fear that if I do,

Then it will be lost forever

Flung carelessly into the black void

And plunged into darkness

Eternally

read between the lines

Brief disclaimer: WordPress did not allow me to publish this in the format that I wanted and so I had to take a picture of it in its proper format and post it this way instead. I doubt that it will have the same effect that I want, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Comment if you were able to read the hidden message.