What is Reality?

A constant game of cat and mouse

Of he said she said

He’s the abuser and then she is

What is reality?

I was a young child and cannot remember anything

Who am I to believe?

Perhaps I will never know the truth because it is buried so deep

Buried behind oppression, deception, and deceit

I don’t know which side to believe; mother, sister, or father

Perhaps all are to blame, but I will never know the truth because I was too young to remember it

The past is not something to dwell on, but not knowing this has affected my future

Who can I trust?

I can trust myself and God and I can rest assured knowing this

Perhaps I will never know who threw the punches, threatened divorce, and who choked the other

It is a constant circle that I have been chasing

But I have been chasing this circle for far too long

For when I thought I was on the brink of resolution within myself, I found myself back at the beginning of the circle

And I feel more confused than ever before

Perhaps behind every smile there is an abuser within?

Perhaps behind every laugh there is a victim within?

I will never know, and I have to come to terms with this

I may not know what is reality, but I do know this

I have chosen to live a life free from victimization and abuse

I will not be a victim

I will not be an abuser

And I will discover my own reality.

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Insomnia

Insomnia has struck me despite taking two Nyquils half an hour ago. I was hoping I would be knocked out cold by now and wake up feeling refreshed and not sick, however the plan does not seem to be working so far. When I am sick, I am not productive and I NEED to be productive. Keeping my mind and body busy is an essential part of who I am and being busy makes me happy. However, when I am sick and unproductive like I am presently, I have time to reflect on myself, my past, and my future. Tonight…well I guess early morning now…I am reflecting on the past and feeling unfulfilled. I always feel as though I could do better and be better, however even when I improve I still never meet my standards.

Looking back, I wish I had worked harder in school, joined more clubs and activities, become accomplished with tennis and playing the violin or singing. I wish I had formed deeper bonds with my peers andy teachers and I wish I hadn’t been so reserved and quiet. I wish I had done something genuinely unique and spectacular and that I had made a difference in someone’s life. I wish I had more leadership positions and that I had taken SAT subject tests. There are many things that I wish I could change, but ultimately I must make peace with myself and be proud of the accomplishments that I have attained thus far. And I am proud of what I have accomplished, but I always feel as though I could do better. This is a constant battle of mine, and one that I will never win. All that I can do is accept what I’ve done and move on to better things.

With insomnia always comes anxiety and racing thoughts that blaze through my mind while I stare at the empty pit of darkness above me. College is approaching soon and with it a fresh, clean slate for myself. I hope I don’t mess it up, I hope people enjoy me, I hope I do well in my classes, and I hope that I am happy wherever I end up. My life is filled with “wishes” and “hopes” both abstract ideas that cannot become reality until you make them happen. I fully intend to make my wishes and hopes come true when I go to university next year. I am going to become the person that I’ve always wanted to be. The person that I never was in highschool. The person that I have been all along.

what makes me happy

  • With the weather changing from cold to colder, my mood is changing from depressed to more depressed. Seasonal depression is upon us and so I thought I’d share some of the things that make me happy. In dreary times like these, I feel it’s important to recognize the things that enhance your mood and make you grin 🙂
    • The opalescent skies after a fresh snowfall
      Hot chocolate
      Cabin socks
      Pineapples
      A warm bed
      Fuzzy blankets
      Music, currently enjoying SZA, Frank Ocean, Mac DeMarco, Conan Gray, and others
      The feeling of sunshine on your skin
      Movies! There’s so many I love that it’s hard to name them all
      Sweatpants and comfortable Sundays
      Freshly shaved legs+clean sheets=pure bliss
      Reading for leisure
      Taking photos
      Cuddling animals
      Taking naps
      Driving with the windows down and the music playing
      Brownies!
      Face masks and threaded eyebrows~pampering~
      Running…sometimes
      Singing in the shower
      Saturday morning breakfast
      Avocado toast!
      A bomb outfit+good hair day+perfect makeup=confidence
      The sound and sensation of crumpling a pharmacy bag-weird I know but I love it
      Candles
      Twinkle lights
      Iced coffee
      Making others laugh
      Venting/spilling the tea
      Hugs
      The beach
      Bob Ross
      YouTube
      Vines/meme
      Twitter…most of the time
      Writing
      Clear skin
      Being happy and making others feel happy

    I know I have some odd things in this list and the order is a bit randomized but I just needed to brain dump everything that makes me happy. Counselors have advised me to make a list and remind myself of things that I am grateful for or things that make me happy and I have found that it helps to combat the feelings of self loathing and misery.

    In the past, especially last year, I struggled to maintain a grip on myself and I let my negative thoughts consume me which resulted in me isolating myself and wallowing in misery. I am working to improve myself and if you or someone you know is struggling with depression and anxiety like myself please reach out to them and help them through their trying times. In this world we often lock ourselves in a specific mindset and throw away the key. I managed the find the key and unlock myself from the shackles the held me down and the dark mindset that controlled me, but others are not so lucky. If you suspect someone to be going through something, reach out to them and lend them a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Share some of your light with them and perhaps they will find the key to unchain themselves from their dark state of mind.

    To someone who will never read this,

    You had me undone at “hello”

    Completely undone

    When you touched me, it was as if the packaging that I had so carefully wrapped around me was stripped away for the first time

    I was real and so were you

    I have written about many other people before you, but somehow this is different

    You were different, or so I thought

    In the beginning, our time was spent listening to everything from classical music to indie rock

    I remember when you showed me This Side of Paradise by Coyote Theory I listened to it on repeat for days and then months

    “Are you lonely?” The song asks, and I would always answer “yes”

    “If you’re lonely come be lonely with me” the song would answer

    And so we were lonely together

    It’s as if when two damaged people come together they make each other feel whole again

    Even if only temporarily

    And man it felt wonderful to feel whole for a change

    I remember the car rides with you so vividly

    I can see your big, bright smile while singing Sweet Caroline and holding my hand

    The summer air filling our lungs as we belted the lyrics

    That was a moment I lived for

    Now it’s a memory I live in to remind myself of how you once were

    I had never felt so wholly loved and accepted by someone like you before

    I have noticed that I am often attracted to depressed people, or perhaps they are attracted to me

    You were depressed and so was I, and from this we understood each other

    Like with others before you, I thought that I could give you happiness and perhaps mend myself in the process

    Evidently, I have failed

    You were the most complex person I had ever met, and I don’t think anyone truly knows who you are, not even yourself

    As the months dragged on I could feel you slowly slipping from me while I held on tight

    The music that had bonded us together faded away into the abyss

    By June I knew you were changed for good, but I was steadfast in my devotion to you

    Slowly, the tune of the once Sweet Caroline turned sour and so too did our feelings for one another

    You no longer took me on dates or cared for me as you once did

    Where my fingers were once laced through yours a cigar now lay

    And in the other hand a beer bottle

    Your nights became filled with parties and getting high

    Mine were filled with despair and longing

    Then all at once you said goodbye to me without so much as a trace of moisture in your eyes

    While mine were overflowing

    Perhaps I never mean as much to others as they mean to me

    Maybe I will some day

    Now I am alone, blanketed with darkness and memories of the old you

    The you that I knew and no one else

    The you that no one will ever meet

    The you that will never return

    And with this, the last stage of grief has overcome me

    Acceptance

    I have mourned the death of who you once were for long enough

    And now I whisper to myself and to whoever may stumble upon this,

    Let go

    Anomoly

    Every morning, as the sun rises from its slumber, I rise soon after.

    Each morning I ask myself “what am I?”

    Every night the moon takes its place among the stars and I drift away into my dreams soon after.

    Each night I answer “an anomaly”

    My constant thirst for improvement and perfection is the fuel that keeps me moving.

    I am dynamic, different, and defiant.

    I refuse to sleep or rise when the sun and the moon beckon me to; I do so when my mind and body beckon me.

    I refuse to succumb to that which is perceived as normal.

    I know not who I am now, but I know that I must never stop creating.

    I tear myself apart a thousand times a day yet I recreate myself only once.

    Every night I lie awake inventing the me of tomorrow.

    My tweaking and tinkering will either lead me to perfection or to my downfall.

    I know that I will never be satisfied with who I am.

    Yet I continue my madness on a desperate and never-ending quest towards perfection.

    I always see her on the horizon, taunting me, but I know she will never be obtained.

    So every morning I ask myself “what will I become?”

    And every night I answer “better”

    I am

    sad

    But the thing is, my sadness has grown deeper roots than I had anticipated

    It’s as if suddenly this year my sad little sapling wanted to overtake my mind

    It began in November, after I had pushed away my closest friend, the sapling had been showered with the droplets of loneliness..and it grew

    My anxiety had convinced me that I am toxic to others and that their lives would be better without me

    Loneliness and anxiety were the nutrients that my seemingly harmless little sapling needed to mature

    Eventually, I snapped

    I had screamed and sobbed with anger and frustration while adrenaline rushed through my veins begging me to to become completely unhinged and destructive in nature

    That was when I knew that my sad sapling was no longer harmless

    It had matured into something pitiful and grotesque…

    And when I close my eyes at night, the darkness envelops me

    The wind is knocked out of me and I am paralyzed with the realization of my loneliness

    All I can see is the looming tree above me accompanied by ravenous storm clouds as lightening scorches the dry and crumbling earth

    Its trunk is three times my arms width with deep black bark and charcoal colored vines wrapped around me with leaves gleaming like obsidian

    The tendrils cling to my wretched body more and more tightly every day, squeezing my limbs as every bit of life drains from me and oozes to the ground

    Sadness is a natural part of life, but I didn’t ask for this

    I never wanted to be struck with cold sweats and panic attacks

    Self harm and counseling for my “issues”

    My mother, speaking in a deadly whisper, said to my father at one time “I’m afraid that one day I’m going to find my child hanging from a rope”

    Little did I know, she was talking about me

    Even at the age of twelve she could sense my sadness

    Five years later and I have become more than sad

    My mind is constantly brewing with turbulent clouds and the sky has been a muted gray for far too long

    Sometimes the state of my mind feels impenetrable and eternal

    I am depressed

    But, these days there are bright blue patches of sky interwoven with the grey skies

    And now?

    I am hopeful

    Candlelight

    Candlelight my sweet delight how I love to watch you burn

    Soft, gentle glow that feels so right yet out it goes never to return

    Candlelight my sweet delight why must you leave so soon

    You, my only hope, my only light you always made me swoon

    Candlelight my sweet delight come back to me I need to breathe

    I need your strong assurance and might why did you ever leave?

    Candlelight my sweet delight I didn’t mean to blow you out

    My temper was hot that night; please just hear me out

    Candlelight my sweet delight I know I fought and maimed

    But my mind cannot bear the sight of your blood on the rug, forever stained

    Candlelight my sweet delight I am coming to take you home

    I promise I won’t fight or bite but beware my teeth they tend to foam…

    Candlelight my sweet delight why are those scars along my arm?

    Something doesn’t feel right…the blood, the wounds…why do I hold that firearm?

    Candlelight my sweet delight please don’t take me back to that place

    You broke all the mirrors and I do not wish to reunite with that bloody rug besides the fireplace

    Candlelight my sweet delight you killed yourself to save me

    You did what was right, now please just go and leave me

    Candlelight my sweet delight now that you have gone there is only darkness

    I killed you to save your white light from becoming bleak and starless

    Candlelight my sweet delight the darkness in my heart is all that’s left

    So, I made the noose extra tight I hope I will no longer be depressed

    Candlelight my sweet delight won’t you caress me like before?

    Forget that horrid night

    We are together forever more